public vs private

This is a total stream of conciousness...

I always wonder as I read through blogs if the author is really like that in person. I suppose that each one of us uses a blog for different reasons. For me this started out as a way to document my training issues, accomplishments, worries, etc on the long journey to Ironman. Now, I am struggling in this no mans place...just beginning a program for a Fall Marathon, struggling with food as a drug, and taking care of my family. I can't seem to get out of bed in the morning but I can stay up until midnight watching movies. I struggle with each and every piece of food I put into my mouth...satiating my feelings with junk and then feeling horrible after I do it. I know that I have put on a bunch of pounds...shorts don't fit right, etc. I just wish there was a magic pill I could take to get rid of all this fat but I know the only way to get rid of it is through hard work. I know that I have done it in the past but it was not enough. When I run it feels good but I can't seem to find a way to be consistent with the training.

I don't like the definitions and labels of myself right now. I don't feel like I fit anything (Mom, Wife, Athlete, and I don't know what else) very well. I am in just a bad place. I am in my own pity party. I can't seem to commit to me...to where I really want to be...I want to be back where I was last August when I finished my Ironman and anything was possible...now, it does not feel like that so much. That was a whole other person. I just wish and want so badly to be back there or to be in training. I know the right decision was made to not do Ironman this year. I cannot imagine how we would have been able to do the training along with all the baseball - we would have made it work but it would have been REALLY hard on everyone. Especially my husband. I don't know...

If you met me in real life, you would never know of this struggle. I am not asking for any solutions. I just needed to get this out of my head and somewhere. Here it is...

Hebrews 12:1-2

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race that lies before us while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the leader and perfecter of faith. For the sake of the joy that lay before him he endured the cross, despising its shame, and has taken his seat at the right of the throne of God." Heb 12:1-2 -- my favorite verse.

I had a great run this morning. I was really thinking a lot about Belinda. Her funeral is today. I was also thinking a lot about how far I have come in this whole fitness/running thing. I have not been running a lot lately. Doing more eating and driving kids around to baseball, swimming, etc then I have been running BUT out there today it felt good. When did that happen? When did I look forward to running and actually have it feel good? I have to say that I struggled with getting my breathing down today but my legs felt good...I just had a great run. The "official" training begins on Monday -- I am glad to be back on a schedule.

I hope that you are all "running your race" regardless of what your course/journey may be. Jesus and his father are leading you...let them.

Peace!

Belinda

I found out this morning that my friend Belinda passed away peacefully at 8:05 am.

I am going to miss her but I know with confidence that she is spending her first day in Heaven. May peace be with her. Please pray for her, her husband Gary and daughter Rita.